Crazy little thing called Love...

A few weeks ago, early on a Sunday morning, I had it out with God. Do you ever do that? Just straight up wrestle with God? Maybe because I’m a bit feisty, or so I’m told, but honestly it was just a raw time of flat-on-my-face weeping and pouring out my heart to Him sorta worship/praying time. Telling Him that I’m frustrated because I want to hear from Him so desperately and feel like He’s not saying a word, asking Him to speak…to say anything, I didn’t even care what!! I wanted to hear His voice; I wanted to know that He’s there…period. I opened my Bible and only read Mark 12: 30-31, which says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” I’ve read these verses a million times before, I heard sermons on them, I’ve seen them on cheesy bumper stickers; they were so familiar and yet totally struck me in completely different light that morning. That’s all that I got through, just these 2 verses and was totally hit with the depth of that. I went on to read a bit of Henry Nouwen, keep in mind I hadn’t begun this book at all, so I was floored when the first chapter mentioned these exact 2 verses. I just stopped and started crying because I knew in that moment that God was answering my prayer, He was speaking to me and I was beyond overwhelmed and so grateful to hear His voice!!

These verses have carved a path in my mind and heart in a whole new way as I just sat there reading them over and over and asking myself, “Wow, do I really love God in that way? Can I truly say that I love God with ALL my heart, ALL my soul, my entire mind, etc.? “All” is pretty intense. That’s like, you know, everything. And do I really have the verse in the correct order? I mean, these 2 verses are in order for a reason. We can’t love our neighbors that way we need to if we don’t first love God…it’s incredibly futile and so shallow. We actually can’t even love ourselves the way we need to if God is not first! We’re incapable of loving in a way that is truly selfless and that will radically change the world if we don’t first let God be our absolute First Love, Obsession, Passion, Addiction; our very Heart, Soul, Mind, Strength…. to love Him with our being…our person.

I couldn’t even read anything else. I didn’t need to. I sobbed and confessed the places where I let “ministry” and “service” be the First, I asked for forgiveness as I realized how poorly I love God. I hated that I didn’t love Him the way I should or desire to. And then I asked Him to teach me to love Him better. Isn’t it so ironic that even the things that we want to do we can’t even begin to do without Him? It starts with Him and ends with Him, it’s pretty wild! So even though I desire to love God, I mean I really do, really…but I just can’t without Him!! I can’t even do that without HIM showing me how and teaching me how!! And I also can’t even begin to love God, or anyone for that matter, if I don’t first receive His Love for me. 1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.” Again, a very familiar verse, I know this…I think I got some kind of chewy lifesavers once in Sunday School for mindlessly spitting it out. Oh, if I only knew what the heck that meant then, and man, if I can only begin to scratch the surface of that now. We cannot and will not love God, ourselves, or others well until we learn to receive. Until we learn to just let God love on us like crazy, to be totally and completely spoiled rotten (or rather, spoiled good!) in His Love. I have no idea what that fully looks like. You’re talking to the girl who has a hard time receiving everyday compliments; it’s as if certain parts of my heart are made out of Teflon…it just slips right off! I think that is one of the hardest things for us to do in our society and our generation, to just receive. I began to ask myself why I resist it, and what causes me not to receive and wondered why we all have such a difficult time with that. I believe that our past, hurts, and fears get in the way, at least they do for me. I wish that I had more intelligent answers on how to receive well, I don’t. But I want us to at least start asking. And better yet, I want us to direct that question to the right person.

The Lord has in many ways forced me to sit and receive His Love this past year in a number of incredibly unique ways. Places that are too many to recount, although I cherish each moment and still tear up thinking about them. From the small everyday things, like smiles, sunsets, and music; to conversations that brought me hope, emails that encouraged me, mission trips that expanded my heart and changed my life, and gestures that are beyond extravagant. I am and have been touched by the things that people seem to think are tiny and insignificant and I have been overwhelmed by His Love sometimes to the point where I can’t bear it, it’s just too much. His Goodness overwhelms me and I can only cry in response, because well, I honestly don’t know how to take it all in! My prayer for many of my dear friends and family has been that we would receive, with arms wide open, so that we can richly and generously give! I want us to serve out of our response to His Great Ridiculous Love for us!! And that our response would be to fully love Him first, and then to allow that Love to move us in radical ways towards others. I want our every action and thought to be motivated by Him! That what I do and why comes out of my direct response to Him…that I just can’t help but love in that crazy ridiculous sort of way!! That I can’t help but give, and go, and stay, and then do it all over again the next day!

Friends, I know that most of you have probably thought about this and maybe this whole “love God and others” thing is like nothing new to any of you. But honestly, it has sincerely blown me away to truly sit, meditate, and ask myself some really hard questions about what it means to allow God to love on me, to allow that love to reek havoc on my insides and cause me to do things for Him and for others that I wouldn’t dream of doing!

I’m in the beginning stages of just learning what it means to allow God to fully love me, to receive, and then be able to love in a way that glorifies Him. To completely love God, to completely love myself (can’t love your neighbor as yourself if you are your own worst enemy, tricky!), and to therefore be able to completely love others…. boldly, fearlessly, and recklessly. In the everyday mundane and the places that sting, in the betrayals, loss, and suffering. In a way that’s sacrificial, bold, and daring. In a way that Honors Him and that rocks our World, in a way that’s radical and constant.